The Anxieties Of Returning Back To "Normal"
It’s Sunday morning and for the first time in a very long time, I have the Sunday scaries.
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and I personally have been struggling with returning back to “normal” aka working in the office. I am typically a very social person, but living in quarantine for over 6 months (with the acceptation of being near family) has me feeling less than excited to be around so many people. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people I work with, just not the thought that at any moment one of us could fall sick and potentially infect others. Not only has the return to work been anxiety ridden with being near peers, every single thing about how we operate has changed. I typically love change, but so much drastic change, so rapidly, has me feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
When the pandemic first hit back in March, I found myself in a similar predicament, stressed and worried about the unknown and frustrated to not be with my colleagues and working in person. I was uninspired and had no clue what to do with myself. No gyms, no Zumba, no time with friends, and no travel. But at the end of the day, I knew that the changes that were rapidly happening were necessary for my safety. Eventually, I adjusted, I adapted to the work form home life. I adjusted to finding ways to exercise at home, found ways to be creative, and spent hours creating content on TikTok. My creativity was at an all time high and even though the time were still uncertain, I was thriving.
Flash forward six months, and I am finding myself back in the same state as when the pandemic first hit. I’ve been back in the office (socially distanced outside) for two weeks now, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I find myself feeling disappointed that I am not able to adjust as rapidly as I would like and feel that my dependence on old habits have creeped back into my life.
Food has played a significant role in my life of dealing with trauma and growing up was always a source of comfort. The past few weeks, I have returned back to using food as a way to cope with my anxiety and fears of the unknown. While I feel defeated and disappointed in my return back to old habits, I also have to remind myself that we are living in the most unprecedented, uncertain, and stressful times, ever in our history.
So at the end of the day, I am choosing to accept my imperfections, my less than stellar eating choices, and my fears and anxieties. Being fearful of returning to work with 100+ people is okay. Not being okay, is totally fine and to be expected. The height of my stress has dissipated and I am feeling much better, but I am still not back to normal. Let’s be honest who even knows what normal is anymore?
I am content with the fact that I am imperfect, that my creativity has lowered the past two weeks, that I am exhausted after 8 hours of socially distanced meetings, that I come home at night and crash, that I am eating lots of rice and hot Cheetos, that I am afraid and excited all in the same breath, and that the change I am expereicneing is not normal. Nothings normal, life isn’t normal, and the return to normalcy isn’t the kind of “normal” we were expecting.
We are all dealing with the stresses of our current world in our own ways, and we need to learn to give ourselves a little more grace. Be kind to yourself and to those around you, because we are all just trying to get through each day, one day at a time. At the end of the day, navigating the unknowns of the day is a success in itself, and even though I don’t feel like I am performing at the level I would like, in my book adapting to the changes I am experience is a success. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Is that okay? Yes. Even though I am not 100% myself right now, I know I will get better and I will adjust and adapt to the new normal.